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How do I talk to my partner about problems in the bedroom?

by Danny, Content Designer

At Mojo we’ve brought together some of the world’s best men’s sexual wellbeing experts to develop an educational video platform with clinically-proven exercises and techniques that will help your man if he can’t get it up.

Talking about sex is challenging even when it’s going well. Learning to speak about your sexual desires, needs and concerns could be the key to a better sex life.

Erectile Dysfunction: a problem that goes untreated 

In 2013 the European Association of Urology published a study involving over 87 million men with a diagnosis of ED. 74.6% of these cases went untreated.

What can we do about it?

When someone you are with is struggling to get it up (erectile dysfunction) or cumming too quickly  (premature ejaculation), it can be hard to know what to do. The first thought on a lot of people’s minds is ‘what did I do wrong?’ The thing is…It’s probably not even about you.

One of our experts, Clinical Psychologist Dr Roberta Babb says:

“Men in general find it difficult to talk about any issues because many are still taught

that sharing problems is a sign of weakness and they should ‘get on with it’”. 

As a result, men avoid going to the doctor, they struggle to talk about their mental health and, of course, they will find it difficult to talk about any sexual issues.”

The most common sexual problem in men

Dr Babb continues:

“Unreliable erections are the most common sexual problem in men, yet, it is not discussed often enough. Men feel a lot of shame talking about erections because it is perceived as a failure in their manhood.”

Learn how to start a conversation about ED with your partner

As you’ve probably worked out by now, erections are hard to talk about for men. And they’re more complicated than they look. There’s a whole world of mental and physical wizardry going on each time a guy gets it up (or doesn’t).

There’s a psychological aspect to almost any erection problem

It might be comforting to know that if the guy you’re with can’t get it up, or is cumming too quickly, it probably means that he’s suffering with some form of Performance Anxiety: He’s nervous about sex going wrong. 

His body reacts by entering a panicked state of fight or flight – when this happens it’ll be impressive if he can get an erection at all. And if he does, the chances are he’ll cum pretty quickly. 

Is performance anxiety a compliment?

Performance anxiety is often caused when a man is super-keen on their partner. If you’ve ever really fancied someone, you’ll probably relate to this kind of nervous reaction. This affects men’s dick’s as much as their brains. They literally fancy you so much, they might struggle to get hard or cum too soon. So don’t assume you’ve done something wrong.  

This sucks for everyone

We know from our own experience that erection issues are somewhere between excruciatingly annoying and cripplingly embarrassing. These feelings can apply to either partner. It can make things awkward. What’s the best way to react when this happens?

How not to react…

To create our Partner Portal we spoke to hundreds of people – guys, girls and anyone too fabulous to decide. All of them have experience of being with a partner who has been struggling with erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety or premature ejaculation.

– Some were so hurt by the experience that they said they started to avoid having sex. 

– Some thought the relationship was ‘broken’ so started looking for new sexual partners.

– Some had internalised their feelings and blamed themselves, causing a loss in sexual confidence.

– Others were so angry that they kicked them out of the house and never contacted them again.

None of these reactions are ideal, for anyone

It is hard to say what the perfect reaction is, because every time one of these situations happens is different. But we can help with most of them. 

Some things to try in our Partner Portal

When a man can’t ‘perform’ in the moment he often feels useless, like he’s ruined it. Our team of psychosexual experts and therapists have a bunch of effective solutions, exercises and communication tools that can help you both through the awkwardness, turning your sex lives around. 

For the best results, talk about it in a neutral situation / outside the bedroom

Start off by letting your partner know that you’re into them. This gives them a confidence boost before talking about the main issue – which in itself can trigger anxiety.

Use ‘I statements’. For example:

Say: “I feel that if we slow things down and relax it will be better for both of us”.  

Don’t say: “You just need to relax”, this suggests that it is his problem and his fault. 

Say:  “I think we can have fun in loads of other ways” – Yes! Let the brainstorming begin.

Don’t say: “Why don’t you focus on pleasuring me” – eeek, this sounds like a daunting responsibility. 

There are lots of other things you can try in our Partner Portal:

– Physical and audio exercises that you can do together 

– Understand the complex physiology of erections – make them work for you

– Most of all learn, how to have great sex with, or without an erection

Myths about penetratitive sex

Break the good news that they can pleasure you without needing to be hard. If you are she/her give them the facts – Psychology Today found that only 25% of women reach orgasm through penetrative sex. Tell them what other things you like and see what you can come up with.

 

Danny Harrop-Griffiths

Content Designer